As we approach the end of another year all these feeling surface about how I was going to make this year the best year ever. I was going to finally make some big changes. This year was going to be IT for me. And as usual I am facing the end of the year with very mixed feelings. This year was pretty awful. From a breakdown at the begining of the year where I hit so low that I was happy to take pills just to numb the pain I was in. To having everything that could possibly go wrong for the family happen. Appliance broke one by one. The Car deccided not to play fair all year. One sickness after another in this house. So to be honest I am looking forward to the New Year.
But as usual in my mind I want next year to be IT. I want next year to be the end of this Wendy with depression and eating disorders and anxiety and stress. Reality is that most probably things wont change for me quickly in one year. And that I set my sights to high and end up feeling the fall pretty hard. So after many years in Therapy and many years fighting the thoughts in my head I have decided to finally take baby steps. To record my highs and lows. To be able to look back and realize over the course of a year everything I did manage to accomplish. Because it is so easy when you are in the moment to only think of how far you have slipped behind and not see how many steps you made to the finish line.
So to do this I have to start fighting back those stupid thoughts in my head. The issue being these thoughts and my behaviour are really Old Habits. I automatically resort to the bad behaviour which is my coping mechanism. These last few months in Therapy we have been discussing my avoidance problems. I never realized how much I avoid things in life that I really dont want to deal with. And I end up in my little comfort box and forget to break out. Eating disorders are about avoiding issues. And I never realized how much I use my Bulimia as an avoidance option. Also I have been learning about being able to really listen to the comments people give me and not react automatically and think I have to be defensive. Causing horrible fights in this household. The last six weeks I have been working hard on this. The only problem is that now when I am asked a question or told a comment I sit there staring strangely at the person as I try to process what exactly they are asking of me without any emotion. And there are times I can sit there and take forever to come to an answer. And it is quite frustrating when my husband is desperatly waiting for me to give him my answer. But I have to change my old habits of jumping in and thinking that everything is about me in a neagative way and use the options of flight or fight.
I want to lose weight. I have always been bigger then average. Hence my wonderful eating disorder that I started at 17. I have always been able to fall back on my eating disorder before after and during my pregnancies to manage my weight. I got into the whole gym thing after baby number three and I looked and felt fantastic. That was a great year till we moved and gym wasnt in the options anymore. Then baby number four came along six years after number three. Three years after a vasectomy. Our life changed. I am exhausted and tired all the time. It really made a difference having baby number four at 33 yrs old then when I was 22 yrs old. Plus three trips in two years to the States means I have had no hope in losing weight. Fair enough I have been a 16 in size and then managed to get back to a 14 and then went back to the States again and ate my fav comfort foods. Bumping me up to a 16 again. Mind you all this time I have been battling the eating disorder to. And I think my body is tired and old now.
So my little steps begin with saying Goodbye to my old eating Habits. To start the horrible job of changing my thinking around food and myself. To not really lose weight as of now (even though that would be a bonus) but to just focus on a healthy eating pattern and focusing on keeping it in my body. To fight the terrible thoughts in my head that occur daily about my weight and my self image. (When really I am not that egotistical as its it the nature of the illness) But to get back to the gym slowly at a reasonable pace and not push myself. The more I seem to push myself the more I seem to fail. So I need to make these good things become a natural daily habit in my life.
And as we are approaching the end of Week 1: I have been to the gym twice and daily walked for half an hour if not more. I have bought all the right foods and manage during the day to stick to my eating plan. Night time is tough for me. So I will pat myself on the back for the walking and gym this week. And another pat for being able to make the right choices during the day and not worry about the night episodes. If I focus on the day and get that under control then perhaps I can focus on the whole eating dinner at night properly.
